So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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