Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize