she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
