In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Randomize
