ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
