well I can't set my house on fire every night
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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