i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
