im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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