i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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