The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize