just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
