dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
