I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Come share oat with me in your robe
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
