Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
