I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
