Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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