Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
