Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
