I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
