what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
