He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
