your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
