So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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