So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
