My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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