I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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