i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
