i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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