Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
