I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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