My nipple is on Facebook.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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