and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
