I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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