We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
