the condom got lost in my hair
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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