My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
