I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
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