I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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