when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
