So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
