That's when you crack a 10am beer
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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