I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
