can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
