Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We are two peas in an std pod
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
