I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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