do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Your shirt... Was in my pants
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
