i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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