I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
