I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Everyone says I win the strip club
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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