I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
