I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
