You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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