If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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