Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
