What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
