My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
