he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
